We would benefit from a shift in how we relate to goal setting. Behind every smart goal that’s perfectly worded and posted on a vision board is a long and demanding process of change. Therefore, goal setting is actually all about navigating change.

Unfortunately, we seldom consider all the changes that would need to be made to reach our goal. I would venture to guess that most of us are like all of us, a trail of abandoned goals killed by the effort required to change. 

Today, we will explore how change works. Next week, we will tackle how change feels.   

All change follows a three-step process: a decision of the will, understood by the mind, and finally understood by the emotions. 

Step One: Decision of the Will

Goals find their origins in moments of clarity fueled by positive and negative emotions.

Negative Emotions:

• Fear of failure 
• Anxiety about the future 
• Frustration with our current situation 
• Jealousy of other’s success
• Boredom and lack of fulfillment
• Shame or guilt 

Positive Emotions:

• Desire for more 
• Hope for a better future 
• Ambition and drive
• Inspiration from others 
• Curiosity and passion
• Self-love and acceptance 

We may come to clarity based on frustration, disappointment, or anger on the negative side or inspiration, curiosity, or invitation on the positive side. Eventually, the motivating emotion disappears, and we are left to decide: How committed am I to change? We show our commitment to our goals based on our actions when we feel unmotivated or that our efforts are not making a difference. 

Here are different tiers of commitment that will help you assess your current relationship to change:

I want: Our words are powerful, so much so that they become the building blocks of our reality. The more I say “I want” something, the less I find myself acting towards it. I end up staying wanting.

I’ll try: Anytime a friend or loved one promises, “I’ll try,” check in on how you feel emotionally. You likely find yourself doubting their commitment. Try is neither a plan nor ownership. When we fall short, we can say, “Well, at least I tried.” 

I’m committed unless: This level is committed for a while; it has no problem cleaning up the easy messes and tackling the apparent issues. Eventually, we will run into a costly level of change: giving up something we feel entitled to, tackling an area of pain or shame that feels too uncomfortable, or having a conversation that would feel exposing and vulnerable. Once the cost is deemed too high, we hit the eject button. 

I am committed whatever it takes: Here is where actual change lives. This is the change that moves into transformation. As we come into the genuinely costly areas, we take them on as sacrifices necessary for our ultimate goal. Each thing we give up, adapt, or overcome is a tribute to our deep commitment to progress. This level of commitment begins to morph us from the inside out, evolving our motivation, values, and habits as opposed to white-knuckling behavior change. 

How do I know my current level of commitment?

MY RESULTS.

The results of my life show my current level of commitment to my goals. Am I making progress in this area, or am I not? This is not a moment for shame or guilt but for curiosity and humility. 

As a quick aside, we envision our will as a handsome and strong superhero wielding a laser beam that cuts through the strongest materials known to man, like butter. When, in reality, it is more like a plodding ox heading in the direction I point it. We will offer some keys to directing our will and sustaining its impact in later blogs! 

Step Two: Understood By the Mind

The decision of the will gets us started, often aggressively and blindly. Step two, engaging our mind, helps us optimize ourselves for change. This step involves two parts, curiosity and implementation. 

Curiosity:

There is an inherent lack of knowledge in all growth opportunities. If I knew how to do it, I would already be making the change. As part of a goal-setting process, asking yourself the following questions is helpful:

• What knowledge or skills do I need to acquire to achieve this goal? (Identify any knowledge gaps you need to address.)
• What resources are available to support me in this process? (Consider books, courses, mentors, support groups, etc.)
• Who has successfully achieved this goal or a similar one? (Learn from their experiences and insights.)
• What are the potential obstacles or challenges I might encounter? (Anticipate roadblocks and brainstorm solutions.)

An encouragement, you will never be perfectly prepared for change. We encourage you to get to “GETMO” (good enough to move on). Has your curiosity, research, and questions helped you reach where you envision starting? If yes, then get after it! What you need to keep going will come to you along the way. 

Implementation:

Change takes action, and while that might seem obvious, it is humbling to consider all the growth potential I have left in my mind, which I have never acted on. We struggle with getting started for many reasons, including fear of failure, stepping out of our comfort zone, and exploring the unknown. Whatever leads to our avoidance and procrastination, we miss out on the strength, confidence, and learning that comes from implementing what we are learning. 

Here is a two-step process to help your mind understand the change you are navigating: 

Act on A Plan: We will dive into what constitutes a solid plan later in this series. But for now, take what you have learned on your way to GETMO and commit to trying it consistently for the next twenty-one days. Take notes, track your progress, and stick to it! 

Evaluate Your Plan: We do not learn from experience. We learn from the experiences we evaluate. On day twenty-two, take the time to evaluate. Did I make the progress I expected? What worked and what did not? Did this plan work in light of what I learned about myself and the skills I am working on? What would I change to move forward over the next twenty-one days? Make the necessary changes, or keep rolling if the plan worked! 

We have found two potential sources of “failure,” which I have put in quotes because all failure is a gift to learn. I either failed to stick to a good plan or my plan fell short. Either way, the only way to know is to take consistent action! 

As I take action and follow through on my plan, my brain begins to notice trends, what is working and what is not. Building a mental model of potential success, fueling small victories that build confidence. What is the other significant gift of taking action and putting behaviors into practice? I build competence. When I begin to trust, I know what to do and how to think in a given moment. I see myself acting with more confidence. 

Step Three: Experienced by the emotions

Because we experience emotions at a physiological level, our feelings are connected to changes in our body, such as heart rate, breathing, and hormone levels. They get our attention when it comes to how we relate to goal setting and progress. We are all in when we are “feeling good” about our progress! When feelings like discouragement, frustration, and lack of motivation show up, along comes the struggle bus. But our emotions are actually downstream from our thoughts; let me explain. 

Our thoughts trigger our emotions. Don’t believe me? Think about someone you really love. Whether you realize it or not, all these changes happen in your body. 

When you feel love, your brain releases hormones like oxytocin (the “love hormone”) and dopamine, which make you feel happy and bonded. At the same time, cortisol, the stress hormone, drops, helping you feel calm and secure. This relaxation can lower your heart rate and blood pressure, contributing to overall well-being. You might notice your face softens, you smile a bit more, and you seem more approachable.

Contrast that to someone who frustrates you or even possibly hates you. Your body releases adrenaline and cortisol, preparing you for a “fight or flight” response. Your cardiovascular system goes into overdrive, potentially leading to feelings of tension and anxiety. You might clench your jaw, furrow your brow, or tighten your fists. This branch of the nervous system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response, leading to heightened alertness and potential aggression. 

Our thoughts shape our emotions, serving as valuable indicators of our mindset. However, they often lead us astray when guiding our lives, especially during periods of change or growth. Why is that? All growth demands sacrifice, which, more often than not, translates to pain. Understandably, we do not like pain; pain is a potential threat to our survival. Our brain will throw thoughts our way that invoke negative emotions in an attempt to get us back to safety or our comfort zone. 

The good news? If we stick to our commitments and are consistent in our efforts to progress, eventually, we move from the unknown of change to building competence and confidence. Our brain moves from attempting to escape the pain to celebrating the progress. 

So, if you feel like your brain is attacking you, bogged down in negative emotion and brutal self-talk, do not worry! Your brain is working perfectly well. Keep going; eventually, your emotions will come around. 

Understanding this process has allowed us to stay rooted when change gets weird, which it will be! Our brains need a chance to get on board and understand what works and what does not; eventually, our emotions get on board, and when that happens, celebrate! Transformation is beginning to happen.